In Praise of a Midlife Crisis
I took this photo a few days ago and feel that today is a good time to bring it here. The photo points to something that is larger than myself, something that I can only describe as spiritual in nature. The image pulls me to be more of a human, someone who doesn’t settle for the minimum, someone who settles into a dullness.
“We do not serve our children, our friends and partners, our society by living partial lives, and being secretly depressed and resentful. We serve the world by finding what feeds us, and, having been fed, then share our gift with others. (Hollis, What Matters Most, p. 43)
I have to admit to spending much of my life nursing a secret depression, a depression well masked so that when the dam broke that held the depression in the buried depths, it took all who knew me by surprise. But what had happened was more of a failure of the outer world to feed my soul enough so that I could continue burying the depression.
“One of the signs of the fact that the psyche moves on, whether we will it conscious or not, is the appearance of boredom, ennui, loss of energy. When we are doing what the psyche wants, the energy is there and the excitement is palpable.” (Hollis, page 44)
Yes, I was bored with my life, with myself. It was getting harder and harder to open my eyes and fully see the world that lay stretched before me. My running regime began to suffer and I became slower, less invested in continuing the work. I would crash and do as little as I could get away with in all aspects of my life. Of course, this was a gift as it forced me to admit that I was in trouble and that I needed to do something about it. Now, looking back, I am grateful for the crash as it gave me the kick in the pants to finally do something to allow me to regain my soul, to become reanimated.
With the crash and the admitting to myself that I was burying myself in darkness, I was able to see that there was light in the darkness, light such as these rays of light that pierce through the thick dark clouds.