Waiting for the Dawn and Taking Responsibility
The day began with darkness as usual. I woke up from a dream and took that dream into another room where I could enter it into my journal without disturbing anyone else in the house. With that task done, with the sense that this would likely be the dream I brought to open the next round of analysis, I made some coffee, checked my e-mails and a few favourite sites such as Twitter and a few newspapers while waiting for the coffee to be ready. Finally I was able to pour a cup of the dark liquid and sit quietly in the darkness, away from the computer – just me, the coffee, and the darkness of the predawn hours – waiting.
I have been waiting for a while for this next stage to begin, waiting in the darkness knowing that the darkness would have to give way to the light. that there would be light that would begin to cautiously creep into the night. And my patience was rewarded for dawn did arrive as expected, a dawn that found a sky clear enough for the colours of dawn to be presented – a good omen for the last part of the journey to a new stage of life. And for that next stage, I must remember that it is all up to me, that I am responsible for what happens and for the results.
“As an analyst, I have found that whether or not a person progresses in therapy, which is to say matures as a human being, is a direct function of one’s ability to take responsibility for choices, to cease blaming others or expecting rescue from them, and to acknowledge the pain of loneliness however much one may be invested in social roles and relationships. (Hollis, Swamplands of the Soul, p.59)
I found these words just moments ago as I looked quickly on my book shelves at the books I will leave behind as I drive off in a few hours to begin the next process. It was a matter of opening the book and seeing what presented itself. The words “take responsibility for choices, to cease blaming others or expecting rescue from them“, reached out to speak directly to me, guiding me to where I need to go within in order to mature as a person.