Cycling Back From Darkness To Light – The Way of Nature
Yesterday, I wrote about depression. Today, I want to focus on the other side of depression. When it comes to my struggles with depression, I am fortunate as depression is something that is cyclical with descents and ascents. Unlike some, it isn’t a constant state of being.
As I stood on the scale this morning and once again found the dial stopping at 163 lbs, I was encouraged that this number has held for almost a week. It wasn’t long ago that I weighed between 177 and 182 lbs, a weight that had suddenly appeared on my body back in the 1990’s. Before that time, I weighed between 145 and 155 depending on the season – was it road racing season or not. I ran and competed for many years at various distances from 5 km to 42.2 km.
In the 1990’s things changed. First on the change agenda was the shift into midlife where the foundations of what we believe about ourselves and our purpose in life undergoes a revolution. If that wasn’t bad enough, it was then that I began to revisit my past – or should I say that my past decided I had buried it for too long and it needed to be aired out so that the records could be set straight. And then one of my brothers committed suicide. The whole lot sent me into analysis. I knew what was happening to me as I had been dealing with others as a psychotherapist. And so, like a good trooper, off I went to wrestle with dreams, nightmares, and memories that decided to haunt me.
“Fixed,” or so I thought, I returned to work with a will and a vengeance. I didn’t return to running as I had mysteriously developed heel spurs. My weight went up and my fitness levels went down. My work in education began to be affected as well though my counselling practice continued to thrive. There were unresolved issues that decided that it was their turn to put in an appearance which resulted in my hurrying back into analysis in order to deal with these issues so that I could just as quickly return to a productive life. More years passed and the pattern was again repeated.
Following the last series of analysis, things have radically changed. The heel spurs have disappeared, a desire to test my body, and a desire to return to a better appreciation of my physical, emotional, psychological and social self re-emerged from some deep hidden place. As a result, I am getting physically stronger and my weight is slowly dropping. I know I am not “there” yet, there meaning where I am at a state of balanced well-being. However, I know that it is coming closer and will be achieved. Like the buds of new leaves on the Green Elder bush at the side of my house, I sense a revitalisation and a re-invigoration in my life. The move from darkness to light is a promise of the best is yet to come.